The Black Dog, Prince of Darkness & The Princess of Brightness

Dear Nobody,

Living with The Black Dog (Winston Churchill's name for his own depressive disorder) is a situation that at times can surely only be described as a curse. For me, I see it as a Dark Prince - a ruling demon that controls my life and tortures me at will, bending reality and bringing me terror, hopelessness and unrelenting misery.
Having lived with it for nearly two decades you would think I would at least be use to it by now, but no matter how often I have to suffer at its hands it never hurts or frightens me any less, and it's all I can do not to give into its fatal will. I frankly count myself lucky I have survived this long - as a child never believed I would make it past 18.
I have been in its clutches on and off for a couple of weeks now, its latest unrelenting campaign of terror slowly sweeping over me over time until it builds into a devastating crescendo of pain. I was left feeling utterly isolated and alone, frightened by the thoughts an torturous misery it was inflicting upon me and frightened at what I might - and could - do to myself because of it. All you want to do is escape that wretched, indescribable pain buried inside your soul and somehow just make it stop.
In the past I've tried stopping it through self-inflicted pain, taking codeine painkillers, eating disorders, Prozac and all his brothers, and even attempted suicides. Nothing has helped but the big heart and unrelenting love of someone who has been utterly devoted and caring to me, who has still loved me no matter how far I fall, and has slowly started helping me Sellotape the fragmented pieces of my life back together over the past few years and still helps me to do so now.
She gives me hope every time the Dark Prince comes back to torment me, and reminds me that even though I may not be able to beat him, I certainly don't have to join him. She is my Princess of Brightness.


From
Me x

Night-Writer...

Dear Nobody,

Insomnia... I can't get no sleep...

First entry, and guess what - three in the morning (very nearly) and just cannot sleep. Could be too much coffee, could be the insomnia/ hypersomnia pendulum swinging in a different direction. Finding out iPhone (ok, am using iPod Touch but thats splitting hairs) app for this is very useful in combating boredom of said insomnia as I'm able to write this in bed, instead of staring at black ceiling.
Think it's possible that it's coming from brain hyperactivity from over-working on book manuscript. Been trying to work on getting one called "Rumour in the Truth" hopefully up to some acceptable standard to attempt to send to agents. The new consensus seems to be that publishers are actually more accepting of new writers' books than agents... But agents will do all the work for you if you manage to nab one, which must make it worth the effort of trying to get one, surely?
Wish my brain had come with an off-switch. It's at times like these I think I deserve a refund for faulty goods... The receipt's probably out of date now mind - a 30 year warranty rarely exists now!
In the middle of doing something I don't think I've ever voluntarily done before - taking a respite time-out from work. Have money (just) to support myself for a short time and not had a "proper" holiday since about the age of 18, so taking a break now, as had become genuinely ill from exhaustion. Also great time to focus on brutally editing book too. Think it's going well and tempted to soon put my footsies in the brutal waters of fiction publishing.
Trying to have same mentality as I have with music/ performing - rejection goes over my head and I have become utterly nonchalant over the years... Maybe because I has belief in it? I think I'm so new at book-writing (in a serious sense - despite having been actually writing privately for years) I'm really not confident enough in myself to put it out there to try and sell it.
I need to go at it with the same confidence and determination and thick skin I have with singing and performing - I've been to enough auditions and worked in enough projects (and studied Performing Arts college) to never care what people's opinions are of you; you can only just believe on yourself.
I think once I get my mind set to the right place I'll be quite determined to get somewhere with it all and not take no for an answer. I work on the basis that even The Beatles got rejected over and over again - it just proves that if you believe in yourself and you're good at whatever it is you're doing, someone - eventually - will listen and take you seriously.
And then you'll actually finally get what you want.

If you believe...



From
Me x