Night Work

Dear Nobody,

Exhausted and tired, it's the middle of the night, have massive insomnia - and the cat's come in absolutely sopping wet from outside and yelling like its my fault! ... But then at least that means I can close the window and the nasty weather outside can stay outside. The virtual monsoon has nearly drowned my curtains and windowsill thanks to the furry idiot staying out in it all this time. Not very impressed.

Whilst having nothing better to do while waiting to eventually become exhausted enough to pass out, I've ended up becoming overly excited about the final and long awaited appearance of the BBC iPlayer iPhone app for my iPod Touch. After waiting about a year for it to materialise (as I have had said gadget since last Xmas) I am happy one has finally turned up - despite the fact that it also means that I have to re-set all my "Favourites" again... Would it have killed them to have it sync with your desktop sign-in??

Pussy cat is now lying on my pillows and drying himself up - bless him. He seems to be enjoying himself, but anything is probably better than being outside in gales and monsoon-like rain. Especially if it involves drenching my pillows. {see also pic}

For all my inappropriate excitement about iPlayer, I'm probably going to go and watch Time Team on the 4OD app now. I've always found the show to be so endearing, as well as fascinating and informative. Pussy Cat had now finished attending to his toilette and currently has curled himself up on pillows and is now purring happily.

I could only wish to be so easily placated!



From
Me x

Silver Lining?

Dear Nobody,

Well I got the shock of my life when I looked in the mirror today and saw that where my roots were growing out I had at least 50% grey there instead of brown. Now, I've had greying hair since my early 20s - but I didn't imagine I'd have over 50% grey at age just 30 (and a half). It looks like someone's dumped a bag of flower on my head.
I hate the fact that my hair is (very) prematurely ageing. I do not like the fact my roots are no longer really brown. The Other-Half says I look like a squirrel cross-breed - half red, half grey... Which I'm not impressed with, no matter how cute and sweet that sounds! It means my hair follicles are old and broken and I'm not exactly happy about it!
However I am trying to find the silver lining in the middle of the grey. I'm hoping the wiry, harsh, Brillo Pad-esque hair now coming out. I'm hoping that it will make my hair dye take better and come out more and more bright at it covers more grey than brown... it says on the box that it's not recommended for grey hair because it ends up extremely vibrant - and I say Bring It On! The dye and conditioners will also hopefully soften them some more too, because the ones at the roots seem quite harsh and wiry.
Tomorrow the grey will be combatted and attacked with my favourite dye - Superdrug (own brand) Intense Hot Red - it's great stuff! I love the colour, and hopefully, given there's so much grey, the roots will come out quote bright and have a great vibrant red colour.
And I won't look like I have a bag of flour poured on my head, either.



From
Me x

The Same SAD In Reverse

Dear Nobody,

As everybody probably flocks to the parks during this insane October (and late September) heatwave, I am huddled behind closed curtains and under comforters thanks to the weather exacerbating a condition I already have enough misery struggling with throughout parts of spring and summer.
I actually hope that RSAD - Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder - makes it into the DSM with its counterpart as it is just as devastating and debilitating as its sister disorder. And while sufferers with the "original" SAD are probably dancing in joy at all the shiny light and basking in the heat outside, I am defenceless against the raging misery, depression, hopelessness and tears that constantly overwhelm me and - frankly - frighten me. I have bad ways of dealing with these feelings that I find quite compulsive and very, very difficult to control and fight with myself on a minute-by-minute basis through very day those feeling are there. It's utterly exhausting, and then that exhaustion then just makes everything even worse.
It almost feels like an insulting kick in the teeth - I struggle through the long and "warm" days (anything over 16C is too warm for me) of summer and rather look forward to the cooler, shorter - and eventually cold, dark and bleak - days because I get well-needed respite from the horrific feelings I have to endure forced on me by bright sunlight and hot temperatures, and I can actually go out again without fearing panic attacks, misery and tears.
The thing is, there is nothing you can do to help with his really - the other SAD people can get those light boxes and they apparently help with getting through the dark and cold days of the winters that I look forward to. There is no "dark" box that helps - the only respite is to hide yourself in a dark room with a fan and a fluffy comforting blanket as your brain short-circuits into agonising misery, and you mop up your tears of hopelessness and talk yourself out of doing something destructive to yourself. Oh the fun joys of summer days...
The last couple of weeks, and next week show minimums of hitting about 23C and have so far skyrocketed to closing in on 30C - so much for looking forward to the sweet October autumn and getting away from the misery of summer. I really do hope it's over soon. I would really like to leave my house and go out eventually... Being a prisoner of the sun is not the autumn that I had in mind. I even went to the bother of buying a lovely warm new coat... And what a bloody waste of money that was. Should have spent the money on a hole I could live in for the next few weeks, until the weather decides to stop being as crazy as I am...



From
Me x

The Black Dog, Prince of Darkness & The Princess of Brightness

Dear Nobody,

Living with The Black Dog (Winston Churchill's name for his own depressive disorder) is a situation that at times can surely only be described as a curse. For me, I see it as a Dark Prince - a ruling demon that controls my life and tortures me at will, bending reality and bringing me terror, hopelessness and unrelenting misery.
Having lived with it for nearly two decades you would think I would at least be use to it by now, but no matter how often I have to suffer at its hands it never hurts or frightens me any less, and it's all I can do not to give into its fatal will. I frankly count myself lucky I have survived this long - as a child never believed I would make it past 18.
I have been in its clutches on and off for a couple of weeks now, its latest unrelenting campaign of terror slowly sweeping over me over time until it builds into a devastating crescendo of pain. I was left feeling utterly isolated and alone, frightened by the thoughts an torturous misery it was inflicting upon me and frightened at what I might - and could - do to myself because of it. All you want to do is escape that wretched, indescribable pain buried inside your soul and somehow just make it stop.
In the past I've tried stopping it through self-inflicted pain, taking codeine painkillers, eating disorders, Prozac and all his brothers, and even attempted suicides. Nothing has helped but the big heart and unrelenting love of someone who has been utterly devoted and caring to me, who has still loved me no matter how far I fall, and has slowly started helping me Sellotape the fragmented pieces of my life back together over the past few years and still helps me to do so now.
She gives me hope every time the Dark Prince comes back to torment me, and reminds me that even though I may not be able to beat him, I certainly don't have to join him. She is my Princess of Brightness.


From
Me x