What's in the picture (below) is what I generally think. Why? Put simply because I Hate My Body.
Why? Because it has caused me nothing but trouble my entire life and I absolutely resent the hell out of it. The pain and the suffering it has caused me has felt like it as no end. And you know what the end result has been?I've abused it back. To the point where it cannot stand me anymore, either.
Like Stephen Fry has also said, it seems like a pointless entity. It's there just to carry my head. Life would probably be better of my head just lived in a jar, like that Star Trek guy in Futurama.
The endless years of pain and suffering it has caused me seems to know no end or boundaries. It still remains now. Only I, myself, have now made it worse. The list of its malfunctions is long...
- Depression (brain chemicals that don't work)
- Worn disc(s) in the spine
- Chronic backache (see above)
- Occasional right-hand partial paralysis (thanks to above and horse-riding accident)
- Chronic asthma
- Whooping Cough (that was really fun)
- Allergies to too many things
- Intolerances & allergies to foods
- Eczema
- Hayfever
- Blisters on hands
- Agonising "IBS"
- A weak chest: Getting really bad chest infections that take many weeks/months to disappear
It's also been through anorexia, bulimia, suffered self-harm with sharp things, and now it's rather overweight. This is due to a lot of things:
My eating disorders over so many years has clearly screwed up my body's digestive ability and common sense, it's clearly in permanent starvation-mode (is there a way to run that off?), and I still hardly ever eat. But what I do eat is usually rather bad for me. And thanks to my once-anorexic obsession with abusing exercise, I am now very scared of it in case I go back to there again.
So, how does a former serious Anorexic (and bulimic) manage to get overweight? Well, firstly read above. Secondly, it's the same abuse you give yourself with anorexia, only in reverse. But it's still punishment via food.
That, and being big also means I'm not
Super-skinny, proving I'm no longer anorexic. Not in body, anyway. My mind, though, definitely still is - and that's what also still scares me.
The bottom-line is that I resent - Hate - my physical body, and I therefore resent actually feeding it (anything), nourishing it, taking care of it, giving it some decent TLC, or exercising it. Because this is a two-way street, surely? And it's never seemed to have even tried to look after me. I tried to take care of it, but it just let me down beyond belief. Why should I try to look after it now after its behaved like that?
I do see my mind as a different entity and existence to the rest of me. Maybe because my mind works and the rest of me doesn't. I'm cerebral and academic - prefer books, writing and creating music to running around like a loon. I'm not active, and don't really use my body. I'm never tired unless my mind is exhausted. It doesn't matter what my body is doing. And I generally don't particularly care what that is, either.
I'm still struggling on how to resolve this. It's got to be for me to be okay... In the end. It doesn't happen overnight. In fact, it's so far been 19 years in the making. That's a long time. So it somehow needs to be resolved. The answer to the statements - "I Hate My Body" and "I'm Scared Of Food & Exercise" has to exist somewhere, and somehow I have to find it.
I may no longer crave to be super-thin. But I do want to be just plain healthy - both of psyche and body. I wish I craved it in the same way I once craved anorexia. It would happen a lot faster then.
From
Me x
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