And Now For Something A Bit Personal...

I am exhausted, I can't think, I feel like hiding under the bed and never coming back out again, and I feel like crying until I'm dehydrated. It all means only one thing... The Dark Prince grinning evil fangs, calling "I'm back!"...

It's always great when the dark cloud of heartbreak and misery descends upon my heart and turns my head to mush. It's like a party of lost souls gathering to take the piss out of me and throw me into a pit of self-doubt, exhaustion and, frankly, exasperation.

Twenty years of this black monster living in my head has made me an old cynic. I understand it, and resent it. But I think I've managed to learn to accept it. I accept it for what it is - just another illness that I have to make my life difficult, to make me that little bit "different", and another kick in the butt from a body that hadn't been anywhere near up to scratch since my age hit double-figures.

I'm proud I now control it of my own free will, despite the long and arduous battle to keep the demon on its leash in a corner, muzzled and pouting at me from afar. Despite too many years of being pill-dependant - and using other very, very bad methods of trying to deal with the ruin and aftermath of its rioting in my life and head - I am now fairly in control of it, and learning all the time how to be better at doing so.

Writing stories, diaries, and music has long been part of of it. Another saving grace has also been lighthearted or completely farcical comedies to remind me how to laugh. The hardest part was learning how to want to live, though. After twenty years of attempting to destroy yourself, and feeling too worthless to even breathe, it's hard to start convincing yourself you're even worth saving. It wasn't too long ago I finally got there. Then I started to learn how become the master of the demon and wrestled it into it's corner of my own free will and strength. And it's through my own will I keep it there.

Even though there are times like now, where it tries to break free of its chains, taking on the image of the Dark Prince and grinning like the Devil itself at me, waiting to take me back to Hell, I now have the strength, the self-preservation and and courage of my own convictions - belief in myself - to look it back in the eye and say the immortal words I have loved since I was a child from my favourite movie.

You Have No Power Over Me.