I am exhausted, I can't think, I feel like hiding under the bed and never coming back out again, and I feel like crying until I'm dehydrated. It all means only one thing... The Dark Prince grinning evil fangs, calling "I'm back!"...
It's always great when the dark cloud of heartbreak and misery descends upon my heart and turns my head to mush. It's like a party of lost souls gathering to take the piss out of me and throw me into a pit of self-doubt, exhaustion and, frankly, exasperation.
Twenty years of this black monster living in my head has made me an old cynic. I understand it, and resent it. But I think I've managed to learn to accept it. I accept it for what it is - just another illness that I have to make my life difficult, to make me that little bit "different", and another kick in the butt from a body that hadn't been anywhere near up to scratch since my age hit double-figures.
I'm proud I now control it of my own free will, despite the long and arduous battle to keep the demon on its leash in a corner, muzzled and pouting at me from afar. Despite too many years of being pill-dependant - and using other very, very bad methods of trying to deal with the ruin and aftermath of its rioting in my life and head - I am now fairly in control of it, and learning all the time how to be better at doing so.
Writing stories, diaries, and music has long been part of of it. Another saving grace has also been lighthearted or completely farcical comedies to remind me how to laugh. The hardest part was learning how to want to live, though. After twenty years of attempting to destroy yourself, and feeling too worthless to even breathe, it's hard to start convincing yourself you're even worth saving. It wasn't too long ago I finally got there. Then I started to learn how become the master of the demon and wrestled it into it's corner of my own free will and strength. And it's through my own will I keep it there.
Even though there are times like now, where it tries to break free of its chains, taking on the image of the Dark Prince and grinning like the Devil itself at me, waiting to take me back to Hell, I now have the strength, the self-preservation and and courage of my own convictions - belief in myself - to look it back in the eye and say the immortal words I have loved since I was a child from my favourite movie.
You Have No Power Over Me.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Saturday, 1 October 2011
The Same SAD In Reverse
Dear Nobody,
As everybody probably flocks to the parks during this insane October (and late September) heatwave, I am huddled behind closed curtains and under comforters thanks to the weather exacerbating a condition I already have enough misery struggling with throughout parts of spring and summer.
I actually hope that RSAD - Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder - makes it into the DSM with its counterpart as it is just as devastating and debilitating as its sister disorder. And while sufferers with the "original" SAD are probably dancing in joy at all the shiny light and basking in the heat outside, I am defenceless against the raging misery, depression, hopelessness and tears that constantly overwhelm me and - frankly - frighten me. I have bad ways of dealing with these feelings that I find quite compulsive and very, very difficult to control and fight with myself on a minute-by-minute basis through very day those feeling are there. It's utterly exhausting, and then that exhaustion then just makes everything even worse.
It almost feels like an insulting kick in the teeth - I struggle through the long and "warm" days (anything over 16C is too warm for me) of summer and rather look forward to the cooler, shorter - and eventually cold, dark and bleak - days because I get well-needed respite from the horrific feelings I have to endure forced on me by bright sunlight and hot temperatures, and I can actually go out again without fearing panic attacks, misery and tears.
The thing is, there is nothing you can do to help with his really - the other SAD people can get those light boxes and they apparently help with getting through the dark and cold days of the winters that I look forward to. There is no "dark" box that helps - the only respite is to hide yourself in a dark room with a fan and a fluffy comforting blanket as your brain short-circuits into agonising misery, and you mop up your tears of hopelessness and talk yourself out of doing something destructive to yourself. Oh the fun joys of summer days...
The last couple of weeks, and next week show minimums of hitting about 23C and have so far skyrocketed to closing in on 30C - so much for looking forward to the sweet October autumn and getting away from the misery of summer. I really do hope it's over soon. I would really like to leave my house and go out eventually... Being a prisoner of the sun is not the autumn that I had in mind. I even went to the bother of buying a lovely warm new coat... And what a bloody waste of money that was. Should have spent the money on a hole I could live in for the next few weeks, until the weather decides to stop being as crazy as I am...
From
Me x
As everybody probably flocks to the parks during this insane October (and late September) heatwave, I am huddled behind closed curtains and under comforters thanks to the weather exacerbating a condition I already have enough misery struggling with throughout parts of spring and summer.
I actually hope that RSAD - Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder - makes it into the DSM with its counterpart as it is just as devastating and debilitating as its sister disorder. And while sufferers with the "original" SAD are probably dancing in joy at all the shiny light and basking in the heat outside, I am defenceless against the raging misery, depression, hopelessness and tears that constantly overwhelm me and - frankly - frighten me. I have bad ways of dealing with these feelings that I find quite compulsive and very, very difficult to control and fight with myself on a minute-by-minute basis through very day those feeling are there. It's utterly exhausting, and then that exhaustion then just makes everything even worse.
It almost feels like an insulting kick in the teeth - I struggle through the long and "warm" days (anything over 16C is too warm for me) of summer and rather look forward to the cooler, shorter - and eventually cold, dark and bleak - days because I get well-needed respite from the horrific feelings I have to endure forced on me by bright sunlight and hot temperatures, and I can actually go out again without fearing panic attacks, misery and tears.
The thing is, there is nothing you can do to help with his really - the other SAD people can get those light boxes and they apparently help with getting through the dark and cold days of the winters that I look forward to. There is no "dark" box that helps - the only respite is to hide yourself in a dark room with a fan and a fluffy comforting blanket as your brain short-circuits into agonising misery, and you mop up your tears of hopelessness and talk yourself out of doing something destructive to yourself. Oh the fun joys of summer days...
The last couple of weeks, and next week show minimums of hitting about 23C and have so far skyrocketed to closing in on 30C - so much for looking forward to the sweet October autumn and getting away from the misery of summer. I really do hope it's over soon. I would really like to leave my house and go out eventually... Being a prisoner of the sun is not the autumn that I had in mind. I even went to the bother of buying a lovely warm new coat... And what a bloody waste of money that was. Should have spent the money on a hole I could live in for the next few weeks, until the weather decides to stop being as crazy as I am...
From
Me x
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