Night Work

Dear Nobody,

Exhausted and tired, it's the middle of the night, have massive insomnia - and the cat's come in absolutely sopping wet from outside and yelling like its my fault! ... But then at least that means I can close the window and the nasty weather outside can stay outside. The virtual monsoon has nearly drowned my curtains and windowsill thanks to the furry idiot staying out in it all this time. Not very impressed.

Whilst having nothing better to do while waiting to eventually become exhausted enough to pass out, I've ended up becoming overly excited about the final and long awaited appearance of the BBC iPlayer iPhone app for my iPod Touch. After waiting about a year for it to materialise (as I have had said gadget since last Xmas) I am happy one has finally turned up - despite the fact that it also means that I have to re-set all my "Favourites" again... Would it have killed them to have it sync with your desktop sign-in??

Pussy cat is now lying on my pillows and drying himself up - bless him. He seems to be enjoying himself, but anything is probably better than being outside in gales and monsoon-like rain. Especially if it involves drenching my pillows. {see also pic}

For all my inappropriate excitement about iPlayer, I'm probably going to go and watch Time Team on the 4OD app now. I've always found the show to be so endearing, as well as fascinating and informative. Pussy Cat had now finished attending to his toilette and currently has curled himself up on pillows and is now purring happily.

I could only wish to be so easily placated!



From
Me x

The Grass Is Definitely Not Greener!

Dear Nobody,

Isn't it ironic that when we're at work all we do is crave for time off to do whatever we want to do - sleep in, watch daytime TV, play XBox games, eat proper lunch in your own kitchen instead of a cardboard sandwich from Tesco... Then when you actually get given then you're bored to death within days!

Home is not so interesting when you have nothing much to do and you've done everything you wanted to do all day every day for a week, and the novelty has worn off. And when you're home alone, with no co-conspirator to keep you occupied or do anything with, it rather starts to feel like you've been kept home from school because you're ill and your friends can't come round, not even after school, because you're still infectious. It. Is. So. Boring!

As a contractor you get lulls of "between contracts" and whilst it may seem like a good idea to take advantage of it and have a "holiday", when the other half goes back to work sooner than you after said holiday because they've got a "proper job" they've got to go back to, you're left bored stiff waiting for the phone to ring and watching rubbish on 4OD and iPlayer an wanting to go back to work... Until the novelty of having a job to do wears off and you want to be on "holiday" again!

Personally, I'm taking the time to try to do some good - I'm working more on my little book (or not so little, as still working on that part...) and hoping I'll once and for all nail that synopsis that will make the imaginary gullible agents in my mind clamour for the rights to represent it within seconds of reading it... See, I'm a perfect writer with an amazingly vivid imagination!

At least what I have done so far with my time off is re-write and edit the manuscript to a more sensible size and made modifications that I think probably does make it much better - curtesy of my rather insightful partner, which was a surprising source do such a thing given she absolutely refuses to read such works from other people!

All I need to do now is guzzle more coffee (unfortunately it's Kenko, as opposed to my favourite full-bodied Starbucks beans - unfortunately they're not bottomless never-ending bags, despite the price!), convince myself I'm not really dying of boredom, and go back to writing. Which is always more interesting than trawling through hundreds of jobsites for rubbish jobs I don't particularly want to do. They always tend to come to me anyway - which works just fine for lazy-ish me...!

Writing Block - as in blocked by keyboard

Dear Nobody,

Big, big, BIG mistake buying this damned wireless bloody keyboard! Can see why now you're supposed to get the more expensive ones... The cheap ones don't bloody work! Which is rather useless when trying to write. And ironically it also just happens to be made by Logik... Irony does not amuse when cannot write, though.
Have now taken to writing as much as possible on either iPod Touch (as am doing now) or on my BB, and gritting teeth when HAVING to use desktop for something. And that's not an easy keyboard to use either, the iPod Touch. It was not made for thumb-touch-typing - unless maybe you're Tinkerbell and your hands are about the right size to manage it.
The illogical thing is that the mouse that came with the insufferable thing in the package is perfect - can't fault it. But you can bang away at the damned keyboard for 20 minutes and you're lucky if 10 letters have materialised. And none of them will be the right ones, let alone an entire word. Unless maybe that word is "a"... But that really isn't an actual word, is it?...
Now, at home and looking for another work contract, it is fairly useful to be able to type on a computer, given that is where everything is nowadays - online. What is not useful is sending a prospective employer/ agency gobbledygook because your touch-typing goes unrecognised by the keyboard, which spits out random letters and spaces as it pleases - instead of the eloquent and clever letters and job descriptions you thought you were writing. It makes the rather lacking iPhone/iPod virtual keyboard look absolutely brilliant... Which is no small feat (as much as I love Apple, there were definitely some things they did not think through!)
What really makes it worse is that my alternative, my trusty (well, formally trusty) laptop, has gone completely kaput. One day it just lost the will to live and died. Decided it didn't have an Operating System anymore - or maybe it got as pisssd with Vista as I was and kicked it out for good. Either way, it now either screams at me or demands a Boot Disc - which is fine if you haven't lost it in the 3 years since you bought the machine. Especially since you thought it didn't matter as you were shortly about to install Windows 7 into it anyway. So either I fork out for a new laptop (though what I really want is to save up for a proper new Apple iBook), somehow find the boot disc and pray that it works, or get Windows 7 full package (paying about £30 extra than an Upgrade for it) and hope that formatting the machine and installing the new OS in does the trick... God I wish I had done IT in college instead of bloody Health & Social Care! Who cares if one can do hospital corners or or CPR if your (once) trusty laptop has completely crashed?!!

Living In A World Without You...

Dear Nobody,


In a world where the Internet is everything, suddenly having it taken away feels like you're suddenly missing something as vital as an arm - or more likely part of your brain. Being stuck in the middle of Snowdonia, in a miniscule village in the middle of nowhere, in my parent's house and having the internet essentially disappear is like being thrust into the middle of my own horror movie - especially if you're an internet-addicted tech-head like me. There are things you do without even a second thought with that you probably take for granted that you do online now - check your bank accout or credit card satement, pay bills, look up inane or strange things on Google or Wiki, or even write or read your favourite blogs. And that's not even covering the Facebook/Twitter/Skype etc communications. 

    As someone who trying to write, not being able to access or save my work and notes as uual from Dropbox is a nightmare - saving to the local hard drive is a foreign concept now, especially having being burned enough times by fried hard drives and stolen laptops - everything is now kept on exteral HDD and online servers simultaniously. Backups are backed up and also there is no need to carry aout flash drives if work is on an online server. Now iCloud is a permenant fixture, and App Store and iBooks are my new favourite entertainment centres, I feel I am missing out on new things and unable to back up everything from my iPod Touch onto the fabulous new iCloud is nearly sending me into a panic. I'm left wishing I had invested in an iPad 2 3G instead of wifi-only iPod Touch. Especially after I realised my train tickets home to London are online e-tickets and are still unprinted (though in this day and age of the tech- and eco-mad you'd think they'd accept a e-copy on yur BB/iPhone and save paper in printing them).

    Currently only able to access the internet with my BB Curve 9300 3G, I'm being shown the limitations of this device, nd seeing why so many have turned to the iPhone instead, investing in the all-in-one option - there are few limitations to Apple products, and with the iPhone apps being the most popular and best stocked of all the platforms, it really outshines everything, especially when you realise you have only your tiny, rather underskilled BlackBerry to work with. 


I tell you, writing this through the BB OS6 browser running on an internitant, mediocre GPRS signal was a feat of teeth-grinding patience and attention to detail. Kind wishing now had the new iPhone 4S instead and the Blogger app! 

Silver Lining?

Dear Nobody,

Well I got the shock of my life when I looked in the mirror today and saw that where my roots were growing out I had at least 50% grey there instead of brown. Now, I've had greying hair since my early 20s - but I didn't imagine I'd have over 50% grey at age just 30 (and a half). It looks like someone's dumped a bag of flower on my head.
I hate the fact that my hair is (very) prematurely ageing. I do not like the fact my roots are no longer really brown. The Other-Half says I look like a squirrel cross-breed - half red, half grey... Which I'm not impressed with, no matter how cute and sweet that sounds! It means my hair follicles are old and broken and I'm not exactly happy about it!
However I am trying to find the silver lining in the middle of the grey. I'm hoping the wiry, harsh, Brillo Pad-esque hair now coming out. I'm hoping that it will make my hair dye take better and come out more and more bright at it covers more grey than brown... it says on the box that it's not recommended for grey hair because it ends up extremely vibrant - and I say Bring It On! The dye and conditioners will also hopefully soften them some more too, because the ones at the roots seem quite harsh and wiry.
Tomorrow the grey will be combatted and attacked with my favourite dye - Superdrug (own brand) Intense Hot Red - it's great stuff! I love the colour, and hopefully, given there's so much grey, the roots will come out quote bright and have a great vibrant red colour.
And I won't look like I have a bag of flour poured on my head, either.



From
Me x

The Same SAD In Reverse

Dear Nobody,

As everybody probably flocks to the parks during this insane October (and late September) heatwave, I am huddled behind closed curtains and under comforters thanks to the weather exacerbating a condition I already have enough misery struggling with throughout parts of spring and summer.
I actually hope that RSAD - Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder - makes it into the DSM with its counterpart as it is just as devastating and debilitating as its sister disorder. And while sufferers with the "original" SAD are probably dancing in joy at all the shiny light and basking in the heat outside, I am defenceless against the raging misery, depression, hopelessness and tears that constantly overwhelm me and - frankly - frighten me. I have bad ways of dealing with these feelings that I find quite compulsive and very, very difficult to control and fight with myself on a minute-by-minute basis through very day those feeling are there. It's utterly exhausting, and then that exhaustion then just makes everything even worse.
It almost feels like an insulting kick in the teeth - I struggle through the long and "warm" days (anything over 16C is too warm for me) of summer and rather look forward to the cooler, shorter - and eventually cold, dark and bleak - days because I get well-needed respite from the horrific feelings I have to endure forced on me by bright sunlight and hot temperatures, and I can actually go out again without fearing panic attacks, misery and tears.
The thing is, there is nothing you can do to help with his really - the other SAD people can get those light boxes and they apparently help with getting through the dark and cold days of the winters that I look forward to. There is no "dark" box that helps - the only respite is to hide yourself in a dark room with a fan and a fluffy comforting blanket as your brain short-circuits into agonising misery, and you mop up your tears of hopelessness and talk yourself out of doing something destructive to yourself. Oh the fun joys of summer days...
The last couple of weeks, and next week show minimums of hitting about 23C and have so far skyrocketed to closing in on 30C - so much for looking forward to the sweet October autumn and getting away from the misery of summer. I really do hope it's over soon. I would really like to leave my house and go out eventually... Being a prisoner of the sun is not the autumn that I had in mind. I even went to the bother of buying a lovely warm new coat... And what a bloody waste of money that was. Should have spent the money on a hole I could live in for the next few weeks, until the weather decides to stop being as crazy as I am...



From
Me x

The Black Dog, Prince of Darkness & The Princess of Brightness

Dear Nobody,

Living with The Black Dog (Winston Churchill's name for his own depressive disorder) is a situation that at times can surely only be described as a curse. For me, I see it as a Dark Prince - a ruling demon that controls my life and tortures me at will, bending reality and bringing me terror, hopelessness and unrelenting misery.
Having lived with it for nearly two decades you would think I would at least be use to it by now, but no matter how often I have to suffer at its hands it never hurts or frightens me any less, and it's all I can do not to give into its fatal will. I frankly count myself lucky I have survived this long - as a child never believed I would make it past 18.
I have been in its clutches on and off for a couple of weeks now, its latest unrelenting campaign of terror slowly sweeping over me over time until it builds into a devastating crescendo of pain. I was left feeling utterly isolated and alone, frightened by the thoughts an torturous misery it was inflicting upon me and frightened at what I might - and could - do to myself because of it. All you want to do is escape that wretched, indescribable pain buried inside your soul and somehow just make it stop.
In the past I've tried stopping it through self-inflicted pain, taking codeine painkillers, eating disorders, Prozac and all his brothers, and even attempted suicides. Nothing has helped but the big heart and unrelenting love of someone who has been utterly devoted and caring to me, who has still loved me no matter how far I fall, and has slowly started helping me Sellotape the fragmented pieces of my life back together over the past few years and still helps me to do so now.
She gives me hope every time the Dark Prince comes back to torment me, and reminds me that even though I may not be able to beat him, I certainly don't have to join him. She is my Princess of Brightness.


From
Me x

Night-Writer...

Dear Nobody,

Insomnia... I can't get no sleep...

First entry, and guess what - three in the morning (very nearly) and just cannot sleep. Could be too much coffee, could be the insomnia/ hypersomnia pendulum swinging in a different direction. Finding out iPhone (ok, am using iPod Touch but thats splitting hairs) app for this is very useful in combating boredom of said insomnia as I'm able to write this in bed, instead of staring at black ceiling.
Think it's possible that it's coming from brain hyperactivity from over-working on book manuscript. Been trying to work on getting one called "Rumour in the Truth" hopefully up to some acceptable standard to attempt to send to agents. The new consensus seems to be that publishers are actually more accepting of new writers' books than agents... But agents will do all the work for you if you manage to nab one, which must make it worth the effort of trying to get one, surely?
Wish my brain had come with an off-switch. It's at times like these I think I deserve a refund for faulty goods... The receipt's probably out of date now mind - a 30 year warranty rarely exists now!
In the middle of doing something I don't think I've ever voluntarily done before - taking a respite time-out from work. Have money (just) to support myself for a short time and not had a "proper" holiday since about the age of 18, so taking a break now, as had become genuinely ill from exhaustion. Also great time to focus on brutally editing book too. Think it's going well and tempted to soon put my footsies in the brutal waters of fiction publishing.
Trying to have same mentality as I have with music/ performing - rejection goes over my head and I have become utterly nonchalant over the years... Maybe because I has belief in it? I think I'm so new at book-writing (in a serious sense - despite having been actually writing privately for years) I'm really not confident enough in myself to put it out there to try and sell it.
I need to go at it with the same confidence and determination and thick skin I have with singing and performing - I've been to enough auditions and worked in enough projects (and studied Performing Arts college) to never care what people's opinions are of you; you can only just believe on yourself.
I think once I get my mind set to the right place I'll be quite determined to get somewhere with it all and not take no for an answer. I work on the basis that even The Beatles got rejected over and over again - it just proves that if you believe in yourself and you're good at whatever it is you're doing, someone - eventually - will listen and take you seriously.
And then you'll actually finally get what you want.

If you believe...



From
Me x