The Same SAD In Reverse

Dear Nobody,

As everybody probably flocks to the parks during this insane October (and late September) heatwave, I am huddled behind closed curtains and under comforters thanks to the weather exacerbating a condition I already have enough misery struggling with throughout parts of spring and summer.
I actually hope that RSAD - Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder - makes it into the DSM with its counterpart as it is just as devastating and debilitating as its sister disorder. And while sufferers with the "original" SAD are probably dancing in joy at all the shiny light and basking in the heat outside, I am defenceless against the raging misery, depression, hopelessness and tears that constantly overwhelm me and - frankly - frighten me. I have bad ways of dealing with these feelings that I find quite compulsive and very, very difficult to control and fight with myself on a minute-by-minute basis through very day those feeling are there. It's utterly exhausting, and then that exhaustion then just makes everything even worse.
It almost feels like an insulting kick in the teeth - I struggle through the long and "warm" days (anything over 16C is too warm for me) of summer and rather look forward to the cooler, shorter - and eventually cold, dark and bleak - days because I get well-needed respite from the horrific feelings I have to endure forced on me by bright sunlight and hot temperatures, and I can actually go out again without fearing panic attacks, misery and tears.
The thing is, there is nothing you can do to help with his really - the other SAD people can get those light boxes and they apparently help with getting through the dark and cold days of the winters that I look forward to. There is no "dark" box that helps - the only respite is to hide yourself in a dark room with a fan and a fluffy comforting blanket as your brain short-circuits into agonising misery, and you mop up your tears of hopelessness and talk yourself out of doing something destructive to yourself. Oh the fun joys of summer days...
The last couple of weeks, and next week show minimums of hitting about 23C and have so far skyrocketed to closing in on 30C - so much for looking forward to the sweet October autumn and getting away from the misery of summer. I really do hope it's over soon. I would really like to leave my house and go out eventually... Being a prisoner of the sun is not the autumn that I had in mind. I even went to the bother of buying a lovely warm new coat... And what a bloody waste of money that was. Should have spent the money on a hole I could live in for the next few weeks, until the weather decides to stop being as crazy as I am...



From
Me x